How do I manage a narcissistic grandmother?
I see a couple of painful realities here. As long as you are dependent on someone (you say she threatens to not support you at all), it is going to be hard for you to break away. When you are no longer dependent on someone for anything that is essential to your survival, you will be able to set some respectable boundaries. Try to start building more independence into your life, for your own good. You might say, But what if I would still need her for emotional support? That is a legitimate concern, especially when you have been in a caregiving relationship. But the sad truth is, if she really is a narcissist, you aren't getting emotional support from her now, you're just getting enough of what feels like it to keep you on the hook. Also, if she is an accomplished narcissist, you are probably already effectively isolated from other potential supports, because that is how it works. So again, for your own sake, start trying to identify other sources of emotional support. Ironically, if you can spread yourself around a little, you will be less exhausted. However, there is also the possibility that she isn't doing the things that exhaust you because she is a narcissist, but because she doesn't understand that she is over the line. She wants you to live with her, she wants to go with you to the doctor, she says disappointment when she means encouragement, and she gives you dire warnings about the harsh world as if you didn't already know it was harsh. You perceive her actions as intrusions (and frankly I would too), but for her, and based on the history you have together, she may honestly think she is protecting you. As an older and possibly now-dependent person, there may be limited ways that she feels she can do this. She may be grateful to you for the help you give her, and also sorry that she needs it, and this is how she shows it. It doesn't matter if it's twisted. It's a misunderstanding that needs to be straightened out. When you feel used, controlled, frustrated and drained, it is natural to suspect that the person who is doing it is a narcissist. Everybody wants to get their way! Your grandmother might be a narcissist and she might not. If she is a narcissist, you can see it for what it is, and leave the toxic situation when it means enough to you to leave, but you can't fix the narc. If she is not, you can probably improve the situation, hopefully for both of you. You can't know what is going on until you let her know that, no matter what her intentions are, this is how it feels to be on the receiving end of them. If she is a narcissist, she will probably escalate. You may lose her support (of any kind), be called crazy, be guilt-tripped, she may get sick, she may rally other family members against you, etc. It's probably not her first rodeo so be ready for it. But if she is not a narcissist and she has misunderstood, or she has been pleasantly unaware of how tired you are, or that the behavior that was once OK with you is no longer OK, and she doesn't want to lose you, she will start respecting your boundaries. This may take some reminding. Bottom line, she is your grandmother. You will probably outlive her. You want to remember her fondly, not with resentment. When she is gone, you will want to think well of yourself and the way you treated her, but you also want to respect yourself. And you don't want to turn into her by playing the game. Hopefully it is not too late. Meanwhile here you are, and you both deserve to live the happiest lives you can. I believe that is why we are here anyway. I hope you can work it out.